The last few weeks

In the past few weeks things have happened.
I suppose that is the same for everyone else too, in fact if things hadn’t happened wouldn’t you technically be dead? Even people in a coma breath and their hair and nails grow.
Ok then in the last few weeks I have come to some realisations… is that better?

 

I clearly wasn’t ready for the internet dating thing, or dating in general. It turns me into an anxious mess of a person.

Don’t get me wrong I have met some lovely people but none I would deem interesting enough or who get me enough to invite into my life full time. That makes me sound like a horrible person but I would really like the next person I am going to be with to be awesome. Not setting my expectations too high am I?

 

I think one of the issues is because I’m 30 now and dating people who are late 20’s or early 30’s they come with a certain history and they really want to get into things fast, right now I need to take it slow, a few dates, a few meetings and work up to something akin to a relationship. Not what has been happening so far which is one date, then suddenly it’s like a bloody relationship without my permission, then someone gets hurt because I freak out.

It’s not my bloody fault I thought I was with the love of my life and suddenly she didn’t love me anymore. Not my fault that after this I tried to cling on for dear life before realising that maybe it hadn’t been working in a long time and like ‘Neo’ I was “living in a dreamworld”. It’s not my fault this has taken a normally balanced guy and unbalanced me.

Staying friends was the best and worst idea ever. We make amazing friends. We also

Make awful friends too, I mean taking a step back and looking at it subjectively is a strange thing, I am friends with my ex of ten years (whom I was also married to) who is now with my “best” friend (fucking hate that term but it explains things easier) now, living with him.
Now before you jump to conclusions no this was not the cause of the breakdown in our relationship, they did not get together behind my back or anything its just something that naturally happened when we broke, I saw it coming but it didn’t make it suck any less.

 

So even although I stayed friends with her and him I do feel I have lost my two “best” friends and even although I have people checking in on me and new friends and reconnected old friend…. I feel alone.

So fucking alone that it eats at my core.

I have taken to coming home to the cats after work and lying on the couch saying nothing and falling asleep, waking up to feed them and just sitting on my bed.
Playing guitar and writing music has really helped and I can’t wait to show people some of the songs I have written.

But yes the lonliness hurts sometimes. I find that when I am busy it doesn’t affect me too bad and I think that’s why I threw myself into online dating with such ferocity, I was no longer alone, I had people who desired me, who wanted to be around me.
The problem with that is it can become quite empty especially if that is the only reason to spend with them, they might as well be a brick wall.

 

I hate how now that I have time to think I realise what a shitty friend I have been to so many people who are no longer in my life and what a shitty brother I have been too.
I was so wrapped up in my own precious little life that I just threw people off like they were trying to get on MY rescue boat and it was about to tip.

Some were people who brought out facets of my personality I did not like and some where people that were no good for me… some could have been worked on.
Some where for good reasons even if the reasons are somewhat shitty too.

I wish I had done better.

I regret a lot of my decisions and I know I left a lot of people worse for knowing me and not better… that hurts the most. (Although how much of an ego stroke is that? Me saying I affected peoples lives hahahaha they probably didn’t notice I wasn’t there anymore, they affected mine more)

 

Sometimes you take a step back and look at your life and think WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I DOING?

Take this week for instance.
I am looking after my ex’s cats by going to her and her new bf place twice a day and feeding them and spending time with them, whilst my ex goes to visit her new boyfriends parents down south….

I am sitting on their couch, playing the playstation and giving their cats love and attention when needed.

I was looking at this and thinking this is not normal but it was something I would do for any of my friends so why not for those two?

Its really strange.

 

Plus the way I have been feeling, so low and so down that has not helped in the slightest.

So what’s next?

 

I think I am going to lay off dating for the meantime even although I am terrified of being alone at Christmas, waking up alone to a tree bereft of presents and going to my parents on my own…. I am breaking down just thinking about it. My favourite time of the year broken.

Even with that in mind I need to sort my head before I can be good for anyone.

All I want is a friend who I can be silly with, who I can watch strange things for the third time with and who I can just be myself around, maybe break down every so often and let them break down too.
Seems everyone I know is in their own lives and I don’t blame them. I would be too if I had one.

 

I have also been listening to a lot of retro new wave synth music. Its brilliant.