In the past few weeks things have happened.
I suppose that is the same for everyone else too, in fact if things hadn’t happened
wouldn’t you technically be dead? Even people in a coma breath and their hair
and nails grow.
Ok then in the last few weeks I have come to some realisations… is that better?
I clearly wasn’t ready for the internet dating thing, or
dating in general. It turns me into an anxious mess of a person.
Don’t get me wrong I have met some lovely people but none I
would deem interesting enough or who get me enough to invite into my life full
time. That makes me sound like a horrible person but I would really like the
next person I am going to be with to be awesome. Not setting my expectations
too high am I?
I think one of the issues is because I’m 30 now and dating
people who are late 20’s or early 30’s they come with a certain history and
they really want to get into things fast, right now I need to take it slow, a
few dates, a few meetings and work up to something akin to a relationship. Not
what has been happening so far which is one date, then suddenly it’s like a
bloody relationship without my permission, then someone gets hurt because I
freak out.
It’s not my bloody fault I thought I was with the love of my
life and suddenly she didn’t love me anymore. Not my fault that after this I
tried to cling on for dear life before realising that maybe it hadn’t been
working in a long time and like ‘Neo’ I was “living in a dreamworld”. It’s not
my fault this has taken a normally balanced guy and unbalanced me.
Staying
friends was the best and worst idea ever. We make amazing friends. We also
Make awful friends too, I mean taking a step back and
looking at it subjectively is a strange thing, I am friends with my ex of ten
years (whom I was also married to) who is now with my “best” friend (fucking
hate that term but it explains things easier) now, living with him.
Now before you jump to conclusions no this was not the cause of the breakdown
in our relationship, they did not get together behind my back or anything its
just something that naturally happened when we broke, I saw it coming but it
didn’t make it suck any less.
So even although I stayed friends with her and him I do feel
I have lost my two “best” friends and even although I have people checking in
on me and new friends and reconnected old friend…. I feel alone.
So fucking alone that it eats at my core.
I have taken to coming home to the cats after work and lying
on the couch saying nothing and falling asleep, waking up to feed them and just
sitting on my bed.
Playing guitar and writing music has really helped and I can’t wait to show
people some of the songs I have written.
But yes the lonliness hurts sometimes. I find that when I am
busy it doesn’t affect me too bad and I think that’s why I threw myself into
online dating with such ferocity, I was no longer alone, I had people who
desired me, who wanted to be around me.
The problem with that is it can become quite empty especially if that is the
only reason to spend with them, they might as well be a brick wall.
I hate how now that I have time to think I realise what a
shitty friend I have been to so many people who are no longer in my life and
what a shitty brother I have been too.
I was so wrapped up in my own precious little life that I just threw people off
like they were trying to get on MY rescue boat and it was about to tip.
Some were people who brought out facets of my personality I
did not like and some where people that were no good for me… some could have
been worked on.
Some where for good reasons even if the reasons are somewhat shitty too.
I wish I had done better.
I regret a lot of my decisions and I know I left a lot of
people worse for knowing me and not better… that hurts the most. (Although how
much of an ego stroke is that? Me saying I affected peoples lives hahahaha they
probably didn’t notice I wasn’t there anymore, they affected mine more)
Sometimes you take a step back and look at your life and
think WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I DOING?
Take this week for instance.
I am looking after my ex’s cats by going to her and her new bf place twice a
day and feeding them and spending time with them, whilst my ex goes to visit
her new boyfriends parents down south….
I am sitting on their couch, playing the playstation and
giving their cats love and attention when needed.
I was looking at this and thinking this is not normal but it
was something I would do for any of my friends so why not for those two?
Its really strange.
Plus the way I have been feeling, so low and so down that
has not helped in the slightest.
So what’s next?
I think I am going to lay off dating for the meantime even
although I am terrified of being alone at Christmas, waking up alone to a tree
bereft of presents and going to my parents on my own…. I am breaking down just
thinking about it. My favourite time of the year broken.
Even with that in mind I need to sort my head before I can
be good for anyone.
All I want is a friend who I can be silly with, who I can
watch strange things for the third time with and who I can just be myself
around, maybe break down every so often and let them break down too.
Seems everyone I know is in their own lives and I don’t blame them. I would be
too if I had one.
I have also been listening to a lot of retro new wave synth
music. Its brilliant.
